THE POWER OF LISTENING
Grief cannot be heard until someone is listening. When we listen to the grief of another, we provide the validation of their being. Most of all, the message they receive is our presence; by being in the moment with them to the horrors of their lives, children sense safety and the protectedness that they are not alone as they struggle with the hurt brought into their lives.
Listening requires the ability to be silent. Often we feel that we must have answers for the griever to make it better, when only they can find the answers as they move thorough their own strengths to find meaning for the loss. Only the one who has experienced the loss can give meaning within their own sense of self. It becomes clearer to those of us working with children in out-of-home placements how difficult this can be when children have little sense of who they are. It is as if they were working from a dark whole, a clean slate, to try to comprehend very difficult information and complex feelings. When we emotionally distance ourselves from them and their grief, children often panic and create more extreme behaviors to get our attention to their pain. Making connections will diminish their loneliness and give them hope that someone is there for them to hold them up, listen to them, and protect them from ultimate despair.
BLINDSIDE: Creating Connections
Recently I saw the movie, The Blindside, again and then had an opportunity to see the Tuohy’s in a TV interview. They bring a powerful message to older youth adoptions, adopting Michael Oher. As I watched the movie, I saw more clearly the work of integration, as Lee Anne went into Michael’s world to meet his mother and to make that linkage between his previous life and his new life. She was creating the connection for Michael between his attachment to his mother and to his growing attachment to the Tuohy family as they were responding to his needs for comfort, security and someone to believe in him. As Michael attended school on a regular basis, had support for his educational development and “coaching” on one of the skills of relationship building-reciprocity, he began to actualize a future for himself, one being the opportunity to play football. Throughout his living with the Tuohy’s , Michael was able to clarify the events of his past life, grieving for what wasn’t and forming a stronger identity.
While the movie may give the impression that this relationship between Michael and the Tuohy’s developed in a short period of time, their book, In a Heartbeat, provides more of the day to day experiences of a family in actualization. As Lee Anne said,” I told him, ‘I love you,’ every night for a year before he could say the same words back to me”. The message from the Tuohy’s is “just do something?”
PATHOLOGIZING GRIEF?
When we experience a loss, whether it is the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one, or relocating to a new town leaving behind friends, family, and all that is familiar, we grieve. We all acknowledge that grieving is normal and healthy and expected.
Why then do we pathologize grief in children who have experienced profound losses—children from homes where abuse and/or neglect has occurred or children and youth who have lived in multiple homes while placed in court ordered substitute care?
Do we allow children to grieve? What happens when we don’t allow children to grieve? How can we help children and youth to grieve? How can we engage children and youth in the work to help them resolve issues of loss, rejection, abandonment?
Consider what training on the 3-5-7 Model says about these questions. . . .