Darla Henry's Blog: Intuitive Mischief

Grief cannot be heard until someone is listening.  When we listen to the grief of another, we provide the validation of their being.  Most of all, the message they receive is our presence; by being in the moment with them to the horrors of their lives, children sense safety and the protectedness that they are not alone as they struggle with the hurt brought into their lives. 

Listening requires the ability to be silent.  Often we feel that we must have answers for the griever to make it better, when only they can find the answers as they move thorough their own strengths to find meaning for the loss.  Only the one who has experienced the loss can give meaning within their own sense of self.  It becomes clearer to those of us working with children in out-of-home placements how difficult this can be when children have little sense of who they are.  It is as if they were working from a dark whole, a clean slate, to try to comprehend very difficult information and complex feelings.  When we emotionally  distance ourselves from them and their grief, children often panic and create more extreme behaviors to get our attention to their pain.  Making connections will diminish their loneliness and give them hope that someone is there for them to hold them up, listen to them, and protect them from ultimate despair.