Children and teens who have had traumatic and multiple losses have layers of grief to express. We see it in their chaotic-ness. One moment they can be playing or talking in a “normal” context, and then quickly change into behaviors that seem to have not basis or logic to the current context. At these times, it is essential that those who are present to these behaviors respond to then to the child/teen feelings associated with loss. If nothing is done to acknowledge the hurts, the opportunity has passed. Their resulting experiences may be feelings of being alone, not being seen; they often experience feelings of rejection believing that no one cares about them. When feelings are not validated, they may feel abandoned or ignored.

When they are presenting their behaviors, questions, or fears, they are giving us their hurt, wanting us to respond to their need for comfort and assurance that their feelings are real. In therapy/counseling sessions, therapists are put at a disadvantage when they do not have the opportunity to experience the child’s emotions in the moment, unless they are able to recreate those feelings in the child/teen during the session. This requires the child/teen to conjure up these past feelings, out of context, or to be in a “holding memory” to talk about the event putting them in a cognitive process to “talk” about their feelings. Often, when they choose not to talk about previous events, they are identified or labeled as resistive or unmotivated to engage in treatment.

Children and teens do not grieve by appointment.

Listening requires the ability to be silent.  Often we feel that we must have answers for the griever to make it better, when only they can find the answers as they move thorough their own strengths to find meaning for the loss.  Only the one who has experienced the loss can give meaning within their own sense of self.  It becomes clearer to those of us working with children in out-of-home placements how difficult this can be when children have little sense of who they are.  It is as if they were working from a dark whole, a clean slate, to try to comprehend very difficult information and complex feelings.  When we emotionally  distance ourselves from them and their grief, children often panic and create more extreme behaviors to get our attention to their pain.  Making connections will diminish their loneliness and give them hope that someone is there for them to hold them up, listen to them, and protect them from ultimate despair.

While the movie may give the impression that this relationship between Michael and the Tuohy’s developed in a short period of time, their book, In a Heartbeat, provides more of the day to day experiences of a family in actualization.  As Lee Anne said,” I told him, ‘I love you,’ every night for a year before he could say the same words back to me”.  The message from the Tuohy’s is “just do something?”

Why then do we pathologize grief in children who have experienced profound losses—children from homes where abuse and/or neglect has occurred or children and youth who have lived in multiple homes while placed in court ordered substitute care?

Do we allow children to grieve? What happens when we don’t allow children to grieve? How can we help children and youth to grieve? How can we engage children and youth in the work to help them resolve issues of loss, rejection, abandonment?

Consider what training on the 3-5-7 Model says about these questions. . . .